EMO post: I loved you. Yesterday.

When you go would you have the guts to say

"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday"?

I've been feeling very good actually, the last weeks. Starting school, looking to the future, getting to know new people  (however superficial), it's all been good. I haven't even been thinking about my summer of break up drama all that much. But, as I've come to notice, not thinking about things won't make them any less of a big deal. It won't make them a smaller part of your life. When stuff happens, it happens. While you can try to deal with it the best possible way you can, there's no guarantee that the other people/person involved will be co-operative. While it's been a few weeks now, I still wanted to tell you about the last serious encounter I had with my ex. Because after it happened, I think I was so shocked and angry about everything I just kind of shut it out and stopped thinking about it altogether. It came charging at me yesterday and slapped me in the face. Hard.

I think it's been three weeks or something, since this happened. I got a call in the middle of the night from my ex, asking me to take down my blogposts where I talk about him. Because the girl he's been seeing (the girl he cheated on me with) might find out about me that way. Needless to say that this question is all sorts of crazy, right? Even more needless to say that I said "Well, boy, I think not." and hung up. I gave myself a pat on the back for not letting myself be manipulated by the motherfucker and went to sleep. After punching my bed and running around the house because of the sheer anger going through my veins. Obviously. 

The next day I wake up and go check out my blogspot, only to find out that he changed my password, deleted a blogpost and put my blog on private. The blogpost he deleted was "EMO post: F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E", the post where I tell you exactly what he did. And because he deleted it, I will remind you again of what it is he did, exactly: He cheated on me, while my dad was dying, flew to Israel to meet his internetlover and failed to mention even one of these things to me. In fact, I found out because I found a loveletter to her in my own fucking house. He didn't even plan on breaking up with me, he just thought that he would kind of have this half and half thing going on. Because I'm the nice, dependable girl who supported him through thick and thin. But not fun and new. He did all this while I was going through the most difficult time in my life and was seriously fucked up in my head. Again, needless to say I was going batshit crazy about the things he did and that he even had the guts to muck about with my personal things. I called him when I found out about the bloghacking thing and screamed at him. I don't think it was very articulate but more of a "GIVE ME MY PASSWORD MOTHERFUCKER" yellfest. He started crying about how he panicked, didn't have anywhere else to turn, just has the one person who loves him and that he didn't want to lose her. How he didn't want to make the same mistakes with her as he did with me. I'm sorry but he must have some serious braindamage going on. He cheats on me for months, never tells her about the fact that he still was in a "committed" (not so much from his side, obviously) relationship, that he had been for five years and then claims that he hasn't already made that mistake? Jebus. Jebus Rice. 

Right then and there, I lost it. I lost my sympathy for him. And I think the last active loving feelings I had for him, too. I laughed at him. And I said "I wish I was laughing because it's funny.". I told him that he needs to stop fucking over other people and that it's none of his business anymore what I do, think or write. That he has no right to demand things of me, not now, not ever. But most of all, that he should deal with the shit he did and take responsibility for it, like a grown fucking man.

Karma is real. Not in a supernatural kind of way, as far as I'm concerned, but in a simple, logical way. If you go around kicking people in the nuts, chances are there will be some nutkicking right back at you. If you treat me like shit, you will get kicked out of my life. You can cry about how tough it is and tell me how you love me and want me back (which he did too, by the way), you'll still be an asshole and I still won't like you any more. You can delete my blogposts, boy, but you can't delete what you did. 

All of this. It just makes me so sad. I'm pissed off, obviously, about everything he did. How he treated me, without any respect or love. Everytime something new pops up in my head, something he lied about, something that makes sense now, it hurts. Every fucking time. Yesterday, it suddenly hit me. While me and my family were dealing with the fact that my father would be dead within the hour, he was chatting with his girlfriend. While I was crying because I had no idea what to do with myself after my dads death, asking him to support me and maybe give me a hug, he would tell me to "suck it up" and go outside to call his girlfriend. When I told him I was so out of it I started thinking about cutting myself, he told me "Yeah, sorry, I'm busy right now, I can't not take this phonecall. Gimme 5-10 minutes.". I only just started realising all this shit. And it hurts. 

He had the guts to lie to me. To kick me when I was way, way down. And after that, he breaks into my fucking blogspot account to, somehow, erase what he did. Motherfucker, please. 

I haven't heard from him since, thank my lucky stars. He still hasn't changed his adress though. JEBUS what a douchebag. One of the things I learned this year: All the drama that happens in movies? Just drama that happens in real life. But with better lighting.

Why'd ya have to go and make things so complicated

Yes, I actually quoted an Avril Lavigne song for a posttitle. Simply because

uhuh,
Life's like this

OKAY I'll stop now. I'm actually more of a sk8erboi fan (or however she spelled/numbered it). But I know, like, 5 songs from her or something. Something with "it's a damn cold night", another song that's all about "HEY YOU I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND" or something and than there's a song with her running around a certain city avoiding her boyfriend. Something with "all I wanna do is mess around" and "WHAT. THE HELL.". Yes, her lyrics are quite deep. The only thing I really liked about her was her marriage with the kinda cute Sum 41 frontman. Pop-punk teen queen/king, kind of adorable. I'm more of a Sum 41 girl than Avril.

After dedicating more sentences to Avril Lavigne than I actually planned/wanted, I want to start off with thanking you wonderful people. After pouring my heart out on my blog, with my "deepest, darkest secrets" out in the open, I got wonderful support from my readers. And I can't tell you how much it meant/means to me. Even from people I don't know all that well I get beautiful comments/emails about how much they love my blog and how I'm "an inspiring individual", it's just wonderful. While I am going through a hard time in my life and I have moments where I just want to roll up into a ball and softly cry myself to sleep (sniffles), moments when I check my email and see wonderful messages from people I like and respect really give me a kick and make me smile. Apart from the fact that it gives me a good feeling that all kinds of people seem to care enough about me to leave a little "how are you?" message, it's also very nice to notice that when I open myself up to people, people seem to respond with the same care and interest with which I wrote the post. That you "get" what I'm trying to write and convey.


I'm going through all kinds of confusing things. First, the emotions. I have good days and bad days. I have days where I mostly feel okay but I suddenly take a monstrous plunge down and end up bawling for a good 20 minutes. I'm very happy that I'm living with my mum now because she's a great hugger and she knows she can cheer me up a bit with watching movies with me and making healthy veggie soups. So far, I've watched  "500 days of Summer", "Milk", "Transamerica", "Awakenings", "It's a wonderful life", "50 first dates", "The green mile" and I think I'm forgetting one. All wonderful movies and reminding you about how my former boyfriend didn't want to watch movies with me for the past year or so, I kinda forgot how much I love movies. I don't want to forget about myself anymore. I only have one life and I want to live it the way that makes me happy.

I'm not "in love" with him anymore. But when you've spent so much time together, shared so many experiences and memories, the love you feel doesn't just go away. It would be easier if it did but it doesn't. But he has been my best friend and first love, and I don't feel like I want to completely shut him out of my life. I do, however, want to build my life around me from now on, he is not the most important thing in my life anymore.

You probably won't believe that this is actually happening but I have an outfit for you gals. YES, an emo post WITH clothing! One of my newest buys at the sales this summer, the harem pants. I never would've thought I would actually buy one but GODDAMN this thing is comfy, gorgeous and just plain awesome and flattering. I was always a little worried about the low crotch part of the pants because I hate it when the tops of my thighs rub together without any fabric in between but this is just the perfect fit and there's no trouble whatsoever on the crotch part! I've already worn it tons of times and I was seriously considering getting a second one just like this. I didn't but I know that this won't be the last pair of harem pants in my closet.

Also, forgive me but STOP:

HAMMERTIME

also a good shot to see how low the crotch is btw, it really is the perfect fit. The baggyness is perfectly flattering, the print and colours are gorgeous, it's just great pants, man!

Little make-up tip: if you want a bright line of eyeshadow underneath or on your eyelid, get a white eyelinerpencil and draw a line. On top of the white, dab a bright color with an eyeliner brush or an 'angled brush' and you get a great result! It's also cheaper than buying all kinds of colored eyeliner. I'm a cheap Dutchie, yo.

and last, my slightly abstract flower nailart:

You are awesome, thank you again and I'll see you later!

I don't need to fight to prove I'm right

To start off this post about how incredibly shitstained my life has been, I needed a Baba O'riley lyric. Because The Who is always there for me and they'll never break my heart. There are certain things in life that will never fail you, like your favorite song, movie or videogame. Chances are that, by the time I'm forty or so, I'll be a walking billboard for all the things I love. I don't think it'll be long before I get my first tattoo. Something special, just for me. But as I've already told you, this post is going to be about one of the hardest times in my life, not about tattoo's. But the tattoo post is probably gonna happen someday soon, anyways.

As you already know, my father passed away last april. Losing someone is never easy but losing a parent while having had an incredibly complicated, flawed relationship is very difficult. Apart from losing my dad, around the same time I also began to have the feeling that my relationship with my boyfriend of five years was beginning to fail. I even talked about it briefly in a past blogpost . While I felt like he was cheating on me because I've had fear of abandonement issues (who doesn't?) in the end of the day, it was just my brains doing the math. He had been very distant, didn't know how to handle me, seemed like he just saw me as an inconvenience and just made me feel worse all together. It wasn't like that the whole time but that was the feeling that prevailed. With a parent dying and my boyfriend of five years slipping through my fingers, I felt myself slipping away. I started to forget who I am, what I love and, most importantly, that I'm supposed to make myself happy before I (can) make others happy. With having no control over anything in my life anymore, I started thinking about harming myself. I never did it, but I came damn close. I knew my boyfriend was lying to me but I couldn't get him to open up to me so I broke down. Sometimes your capacity of "carrying" all of lifes hardships just overflows and it can be the tiniest thing to drive you over the edge. The scariest thing about it was that I didn't recognize myself anymore. If it seems like you can't even control your own emotions and thoughts anymore... if you don't have yourself, you don't have anything. And it was only after talking to my sister and mother that I got a grip on myself again, reminding myself that I deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to be treated like anything else but a wonderful human being. After deciding to "take a break" in our relationship, my boyfriend took some stuff and slept somewhere else while I tried to pull myself together again, with the help of my sister and mother.

Later I found a loveletter to another girl in my boyfriends backpack. I screamed, cried, cursed (like a good Dutchie in distress does) and cried again. It's probably a good thing my sister had her graduation on that same day so I had something to take my mind off of things. (awkward congratulations to my wonderful sis!).
I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. Now ex boyfriend. BAH, humbug. I always hoped that, if the moment of falling in love with someone else would come, we would be able to talk about it. With respect for the relationship we've had for the past years and all the hard and good times we shared. Not like this. For five years I gave him everything I had, with all my heart. I loved him, with all my heart. Being with someone else was never even on my mind, not for a second. I know it's possible to just go for someone, giving your all for your relationship, because that's what I did. And I deserve someone who does the same for me. One of the worst parts about all this, except for feeling replacable and mediocre, is that I started wondering if I did something wrong. I know perfectly well that I did nothing wrong and there's nothing to feel guilty about or anything. But still, if you get cheated on or someone close to you leaves you, you always have a little monster in the back of your head telling you that you're just not good enough. People are always insecure about a certain thing and my main insecurity is my intellect. With my dad being the first in line to give me the feeling I wasn't good enough with stupid stuff like not being able to understand a particular math problem, I kept that insecurity and it was something my boyfriend always made me feel bad about too. Not being able to name a certain astronaut would result in him giving me the dirtiest look, a big sigh and a speech about how he doesn't understand it's even possible to not know those types of things. I'm done with that shit. I did learn something though: if you don't have anything to hide you might as well show me. I now know why he would freak out if I touched his cellphone. Also, the cold hard truth: I'm right 99.9% of the time. Yes, even when it comes to cheating boyfriends. Let's say it together: BAH, humbug. Being angry at him is a challenge to me because I'm so fucking reasonable. I think "Yeah okay, he did cheat on me and was a complete dickhead for a couple of months but we had so many good times too and there's two parts of the story here and you can't help falling in love with someone else..." blablabla. It's a bit unhealthy because than you start dreaming about your ex boyfriend telling you you're a stupid asshole girlfriend who just HAD to be cheated on. Seriously, last night I dreamed that my ex boyfriend kept shitting on me like that and when I tried to punch him in the face, my fist would turn into jell-o. It's not a fun time. So I woke up feeling like shit. Too bad you can't control your dreams.

SO, that's what's been happening in my life. It's been a, to quote Samantha, shitmotherfuckerfuckshit situation. But I want to thank my wonderful family and my blogging penpal Jules aka Giulia for being there for me. It's nice to have people come through when you hid a bump in the road (or maybe a freaking mountain), even if it means that some people don't. I'll end my post with some charming pictures of myself, one resembling the "The Cat Returns" poster! Now I just need to find my own Baron Humbert Von Gikkingen.

And a happy picture to end this sad post, for no one I've ever seen was this excited to go down a slide:

See you laters, alligators.