I don't need to fight to prove I'm right

To start off this post about how incredibly shitstained my life has been, I needed a Baba O'riley lyric. Because The Who is always there for me and they'll never break my heart. There are certain things in life that will never fail you, like your favorite song, movie or videogame. Chances are that, by the time I'm forty or so, I'll be a walking billboard for all the things I love. I don't think it'll be long before I get my first tattoo. Something special, just for me. But as I've already told you, this post is going to be about one of the hardest times in my life, not about tattoo's. But the tattoo post is probably gonna happen someday soon, anyways.

As you already know, my father passed away last april. Losing someone is never easy but losing a parent while having had an incredibly complicated, flawed relationship is very difficult. Apart from losing my dad, around the same time I also began to have the feeling that my relationship with my boyfriend of five years was beginning to fail. I even talked about it briefly in a past blogpost . While I felt like he was cheating on me because I've had fear of abandonement issues (who doesn't?) in the end of the day, it was just my brains doing the math. He had been very distant, didn't know how to handle me, seemed like he just saw me as an inconvenience and just made me feel worse all together. It wasn't like that the whole time but that was the feeling that prevailed. With a parent dying and my boyfriend of five years slipping through my fingers, I felt myself slipping away. I started to forget who I am, what I love and, most importantly, that I'm supposed to make myself happy before I (can) make others happy. With having no control over anything in my life anymore, I started thinking about harming myself. I never did it, but I came damn close. I knew my boyfriend was lying to me but I couldn't get him to open up to me so I broke down. Sometimes your capacity of "carrying" all of lifes hardships just overflows and it can be the tiniest thing to drive you over the edge. The scariest thing about it was that I didn't recognize myself anymore. If it seems like you can't even control your own emotions and thoughts anymore... if you don't have yourself, you don't have anything. And it was only after talking to my sister and mother that I got a grip on myself again, reminding myself that I deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to be treated like anything else but a wonderful human being. After deciding to "take a break" in our relationship, my boyfriend took some stuff and slept somewhere else while I tried to pull myself together again, with the help of my sister and mother.

Later I found a loveletter to another girl in my boyfriends backpack. I screamed, cried, cursed (like a good Dutchie in distress does) and cried again. It's probably a good thing my sister had her graduation on that same day so I had something to take my mind off of things. (awkward congratulations to my wonderful sis!).
I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. Now ex boyfriend. BAH, humbug. I always hoped that, if the moment of falling in love with someone else would come, we would be able to talk about it. With respect for the relationship we've had for the past years and all the hard and good times we shared. Not like this. For five years I gave him everything I had, with all my heart. I loved him, with all my heart. Being with someone else was never even on my mind, not for a second. I know it's possible to just go for someone, giving your all for your relationship, because that's what I did. And I deserve someone who does the same for me. One of the worst parts about all this, except for feeling replacable and mediocre, is that I started wondering if I did something wrong. I know perfectly well that I did nothing wrong and there's nothing to feel guilty about or anything. But still, if you get cheated on or someone close to you leaves you, you always have a little monster in the back of your head telling you that you're just not good enough. People are always insecure about a certain thing and my main insecurity is my intellect. With my dad being the first in line to give me the feeling I wasn't good enough with stupid stuff like not being able to understand a particular math problem, I kept that insecurity and it was something my boyfriend always made me feel bad about too. Not being able to name a certain astronaut would result in him giving me the dirtiest look, a big sigh and a speech about how he doesn't understand it's even possible to not know those types of things. I'm done with that shit. I did learn something though: if you don't have anything to hide you might as well show me. I now know why he would freak out if I touched his cellphone. Also, the cold hard truth: I'm right 99.9% of the time. Yes, even when it comes to cheating boyfriends. Let's say it together: BAH, humbug. Being angry at him is a challenge to me because I'm so fucking reasonable. I think "Yeah okay, he did cheat on me and was a complete dickhead for a couple of months but we had so many good times too and there's two parts of the story here and you can't help falling in love with someone else..." blablabla. It's a bit unhealthy because than you start dreaming about your ex boyfriend telling you you're a stupid asshole girlfriend who just HAD to be cheated on. Seriously, last night I dreamed that my ex boyfriend kept shitting on me like that and when I tried to punch him in the face, my fist would turn into jell-o. It's not a fun time. So I woke up feeling like shit. Too bad you can't control your dreams.

SO, that's what's been happening in my life. It's been a, to quote Samantha, shitmotherfuckerfuckshit situation. But I want to thank my wonderful family and my blogging penpal Jules aka Giulia for being there for me. It's nice to have people come through when you hid a bump in the road (or maybe a freaking mountain), even if it means that some people don't. I'll end my post with some charming pictures of myself, one resembling the "The Cat Returns" poster! Now I just need to find my own Baron Humbert Von Gikkingen.

And a happy picture to end this sad post, for no one I've ever seen was this excited to go down a slide:

See you laters, alligators.

Get your perfect bikini body in just 5 easy steps!

STEP ONE


Get a bikini/onepiece that fits nicely.

STEP TWO


Put it on.

STEP THREE


Forget all that shit that "magazines for women" have ever told you about having a so-called perfect body. It's bullshit. You are not less worthy of being scantily clad just because you have some more cellulite on your thighs or because you have tiny, saggy boobs. Honestly, once I started questioning the things that "Cosmopolitan" has been telling me since I turned twelve and decided to call shenanigans on their philosophy of "promoting" and "empowering" women while just as well telling them that, once they lose these extra ten pounds by standing on their head while flexing their butt muscles, they'll be a whole better person. Because, as they told me, let's be honest! Do you really want to go out looking like a whale in a tiny bikini? Are you sure you don't want to try this diet of eating nothing but crackers for 3 months together with these anti-cellulite creams that do absolutely nothing? OF COURSE YOU DO! Because the most important thing in life is to have the same body as Jessica Alba and you know it! You know it because we take celebs like Jessica Simpson and look upon her body as the most terrible fate you can suffer. SHIELD YOUR EYES FROM THIS COMLETELY NORMAL (and may I add attractive?) WOMAN!

Let's get our priorities straight here. You have a body so that you can survive comfortably and live your life. NOT because some species somewhere along the line of our ancestors decided that we needed this body so we could aspire to have a skinny body with one solicone boob and a triangular ass in this fab bikini Dolce & Gabbana designed. Also, that's not how evolution works, never you mind! We need to be strong and healthy enough so we can live our lives. That's what our body needs to be. Not something we punish or destroy because of some bizarre, delusional standard our society keeps setting. We need to wrap our heads around this because I can't tell you how much my confidence in my appearance has grown since I stopped caring about the "beauty" standards. Or anybody's standards but my own, for that matter. I'm healthy, I like the way I look and that's that. Now go paint, read a book, listen to your favorite music, watch a beautiful movie or have a meaningful discussion with your partner. There is so much more to life than worrying about the size of your butt.

STEP FOUR


Check yourself out in the mirror.

STEP FIVE


Admit it. You're a sexy mofo and your bikini is awesome. Now strut your ass out that door and share your awesomeness with the world.


CONCLUSION

If you have a body and a bikini/swimsuit: you have your perfect bikini body. Probably not according to John from around the corner who might like his girls thin and probably not according to Betty from upstairs who likes her girls meaty. There will always be people who might think you're unattractive and certainly imperfect. Newsflash: Perfection doesn't even exist. Maybe in physics or math but not when it comes to the human appearance. I'm sure everyone knows that, what society perceives as beauty, changes every two decades or so. In the 90's, a muscular, slender body with big boobs was prefered. For most of the 00's a skinny, almost childish body has been seen as the most attractive body to have. We all know that back in the 50's and 60's, an hourglass figure with pointy boobs was the way we needed to look. Which, by the way, wasn't a better thing than it is now. We might think that it's terrible that most of us have to starve ourselves to come close to the contemporary ideal body and it must've been much better back in the good ol' 50's. Than think about all the naturally skinny girls and the bigger girls. The skinny girls needed to wear all kinds of padding because they felt inadequate. Corsets had to be worn by everyone to create that "perfect" hourglass figure. I can tell you as a girl with a natural hourglassy shape: your hips aren't perfectly round and your waist isn't supposed to go in that much or even in that spot. An obsession with youth has been going on in the last years and it's just crazy. You do not need to shave your legs or get a bikiniwax or shake off cellulite because someone decided we all want to keep looking like we haven't hit puberty yet. In the 70's it was all the rage to be hairy! It's all so incredibly subjective.

Please don't let these crazy ideas of perfection stand in the way of yourself. Just love yourself for who you are and spread the body positive message! I challenge everyone of you to post a bikini/swimsuit picture of yourself on your blog and be positive about yourself. NOW, you can't talk the talk without walking the walk so I present you, my loves: little ol' me in one of my awesome swimsuits. I got it from my sister who bought it at Think Twice vintage last year but didn't feel like she filled up the suit the way it needed to be filled up. So here I am, filling it up! :-D

The colors flatter my ever-milkwhite skin to no end, I love it to pieces. BY THE WAY I totally have blue hair and blue eyebrows these days. I color my eyebrows in with some mix of navy, green, brown and black to make it look a little more natural and not superblue.

Hope I see you guys in a bikini soon and see you on the flip side!

Comfy grunge and death

Well, with the promise of more blogposts in spring break and with spring break now officially over I've been a terrible blogger. I do have a damn good excuse, though.

My dad passed away, barely a week ago. It's very strange to say (or type) those exact words because the concept of death is so incredibly abstract and strange. I'm not going to bore you with details because they are terrible and laughable, ridiculous and disgusting, all at the same time. I feel incredibly confused and my brain is pretty messed up, especially since my relationship with my dad has been complicated for a while now. I might do a bigger post one day about the strange relationship I had with my dad. Maybe I can work through some emotional crap that way and maybe I can help some other people who are in tough situations with their parents too. Lord knows that stuff happens A LOT. While this spring break is probably the worst spring break one can ever have I did enjoy all the time I got to spend with my family, including my fathers sisters. I always loved stories about my parents when they were young and hearing stories about who my dad used to be reminded me of the good memories I have of him and the good parts of his personality. Since my dad had his first stroke his personality changed quite a bit. I was a little afraid that the only thing I could remember my dad by would be the shitty couple of years we had more recently but thanks to my older siblings, mother and aunts I'm slowly starting to remember again who that father was and how much I'm going to miss him. In the end I got to spend some beautiful last moments with him. including a moment where he told me he wished he would've taken better care of me, how beautiful I am and how much he was going to miss me. If there's any moment to be honest it's the moment you know you're going to be gone soon, right?

I won't be going to school this week because my brain is fucked up with all the emotions and I'm terribly unstable. One moment I feel like everything's okay and I can just get up tomorrow at five thirty in the morning and go to school. Five minutes later, however, I'm crying like a baby and feeling like I could punch someone so hard their ancestors would feel it (mulan reference). And again five minutes later I fall asleep on the couch. Emotions are exhausting, yo. I haven't lost my appetite and I'm able to sleep just fine so I guess that's something.

Random topic switch: I just wanted a comfy outfit to pair with my appetite for slightly gothic make up so I put on this dress and a comfy, thick cardigan I wear all the time. Hope you like it. If you have some interesting stories about your parents or a difficult relationship with them, don't hesitate to share it with me if you want to. And while I still have a couple of outfits to post with my long hair I'll warn you now: I have a banging new, short 'do. But for now: colorful pincurls! I will miss pincurling.

Tiny shopping spree and a checkered pencil skirt

I bought some new boots and a couple of little thingies at the last couple of days of wintersales! Thought I might share it with you lovelies.

1. The Denim Shirt

Because it can be worn with everything, the color is awesome and I was still looking for some stuff to wear under dresses/sweaters for wintertimes as well as a nice top. Multipurpose fashion = the best fashion.

2. The Cardigan

Because I have worn my other pink cardigan to death (almost) and I needed one to fill in the sad little void.

3. The Fancy Skirt

The colors are a little more pinkish IRL. It's high waisted, I love the colors, the length (just above the knees) and the material (satin-y!).

4. The Sweater Dress

Because the color is amazing, the fit is like a glove (or, more correctly, it fits me like a glove haha :-D) and again, very multipurpose. It's cosy, I can wear it as a top as well as a skirt, what's not to like?

5. The Kickass Boots

Because I only had one pair of winter boots. These are sturdy, hardcore, slightly goth and feminine at the same time. They are love!

and last but not least, 6. a sweater I have already worn so many times since I've bought it.

Just a simple black sweater with some gorgeous details along the shoulderline (? :-D). Simple and elegant!

Now the outfit:

Great skirt and earrings right? SO COLORFUL! Hope you like it and see you next time!