Why'd ya have to go and make things so complicated

Yes, I actually quoted an Avril Lavigne song for a posttitle. Simply because

uhuh,
Life's like this

OKAY I'll stop now. I'm actually more of a sk8erboi fan (or however she spelled/numbered it). But I know, like, 5 songs from her or something. Something with "it's a damn cold night", another song that's all about "HEY YOU I DON'T LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND" or something and than there's a song with her running around a certain city avoiding her boyfriend. Something with "all I wanna do is mess around" and "WHAT. THE HELL.". Yes, her lyrics are quite deep. The only thing I really liked about her was her marriage with the kinda cute Sum 41 frontman. Pop-punk teen queen/king, kind of adorable. I'm more of a Sum 41 girl than Avril.

After dedicating more sentences to Avril Lavigne than I actually planned/wanted, I want to start off with thanking you wonderful people. After pouring my heart out on my blog, with my "deepest, darkest secrets" out in the open, I got wonderful support from my readers. And I can't tell you how much it meant/means to me. Even from people I don't know all that well I get beautiful comments/emails about how much they love my blog and how I'm "an inspiring individual", it's just wonderful. While I am going through a hard time in my life and I have moments where I just want to roll up into a ball and softly cry myself to sleep (sniffles), moments when I check my email and see wonderful messages from people I like and respect really give me a kick and make me smile. Apart from the fact that it gives me a good feeling that all kinds of people seem to care enough about me to leave a little "how are you?" message, it's also very nice to notice that when I open myself up to people, people seem to respond with the same care and interest with which I wrote the post. That you "get" what I'm trying to write and convey.


I'm going through all kinds of confusing things. First, the emotions. I have good days and bad days. I have days where I mostly feel okay but I suddenly take a monstrous plunge down and end up bawling for a good 20 minutes. I'm very happy that I'm living with my mum now because she's a great hugger and she knows she can cheer me up a bit with watching movies with me and making healthy veggie soups. So far, I've watched  "500 days of Summer", "Milk", "Transamerica", "Awakenings", "It's a wonderful life", "50 first dates", "The green mile" and I think I'm forgetting one. All wonderful movies and reminding you about how my former boyfriend didn't want to watch movies with me for the past year or so, I kinda forgot how much I love movies. I don't want to forget about myself anymore. I only have one life and I want to live it the way that makes me happy.

I'm not "in love" with him anymore. But when you've spent so much time together, shared so many experiences and memories, the love you feel doesn't just go away. It would be easier if it did but it doesn't. But he has been my best friend and first love, and I don't feel like I want to completely shut him out of my life. I do, however, want to build my life around me from now on, he is not the most important thing in my life anymore.

You probably won't believe that this is actually happening but I have an outfit for you gals. YES, an emo post WITH clothing! One of my newest buys at the sales this summer, the harem pants. I never would've thought I would actually buy one but GODDAMN this thing is comfy, gorgeous and just plain awesome and flattering. I was always a little worried about the low crotch part of the pants because I hate it when the tops of my thighs rub together without any fabric in between but this is just the perfect fit and there's no trouble whatsoever on the crotch part! I've already worn it tons of times and I was seriously considering getting a second one just like this. I didn't but I know that this won't be the last pair of harem pants in my closet.

Also, forgive me but STOP:

HAMMERTIME

also a good shot to see how low the crotch is btw, it really is the perfect fit. The baggyness is perfectly flattering, the print and colours are gorgeous, it's just great pants, man!

Little make-up tip: if you want a bright line of eyeshadow underneath or on your eyelid, get a white eyelinerpencil and draw a line. On top of the white, dab a bright color with an eyeliner brush or an 'angled brush' and you get a great result! It's also cheaper than buying all kinds of colored eyeliner. I'm a cheap Dutchie, yo.

and last, my slightly abstract flower nailart:

You are awesome, thank you again and I'll see you later!

Losing weight =/= happiness + childhood celeb crushes

This is going to be a ranting post! Be warned!

I've had it happen a bunch of times: someone I know notices I lost some weight and they go into SUPER HAPPY mode. "That's so great for you! You're looking GOOD!". Now, I know they mean well. I know they just mean that I look good. Or something. But let me tell you why I lost weight recently.

My father didn't want to live anymore so he was euthanised and I broke up with my boyfriend. I DO NOT HAVE AN APPETITE AND I'M STRESSED THE FUCK OUT. I only lose weight when I'm stressed out. Normally I have a totally steady, chubby weight. And I feel fine with my weight. If I didn't I would hope that I'd want to lose weight because I wanted to be healthier or maybe because I found a sport I liked (doubtful). People never give a fuck whether you're losing weight because you're stressed out, working out or simply stick a finger down your throat. All they see is a chubby girl. And hey, you can't possibly be happy with yourself when you're, god forbid, not skinny. Today was not a good day for me. Yesterday was, today not so much. I was THIS close *holds index finger and thumb one millimeter apart* to screaming "WELL, WOOPTIEFUCKINGDOO, I'm glad my miserable life made me lose my appetite and come closer to your beautystandards!".  I'm eating enough, don't worry, I've never had a bad relationship with food. I love food, food loves me. I just feel like my tastebuds are on vacation and there's a brick in my stomach, permanently. I eat enough to get through the day but I don't enjoy food. I miss it :-(. It comes back when I feel better but today was not a good day, as I already said.  Also, I love how people always imply that, if you lose weight, you MUST look better than before you lost the weight. Now they say "You look GOOD!". Well did I look like a freaking dog 8 pounds ago?! I'll be saying it a lot: BAH, humbug.

After the rant, let me think of good things. My mom made good soup and I took a nice nap while watching "Milk". Not because it was boring actually, I really liked it and I plan to watch it and not fall asleep tomorrow. The nap was still nice though. I totally dig "Game of Thrones" and I have all kinds of crushes on The Imp, the Khaleesi and Ed Stark. Well, I don't really have a crush on Ed but he's so handsome and righteous. I love Boromir <3

okay nevermind I do have a crush on him. He's pretty. HAHAHA ALSO:

Awww Bill O'Reilly meets Boromir. You crack me up

"Lord of the rings" has all kinds of crushes for me too. Sam and Frodo as my favorite couple, in my head they got married at the end of the story. I used to love Aragorn and Legolas (every teen girl was totally into Orlando Bloom back in the day) but Sam is my one true love. I'm not sure why because he's not really sexy or super handsome but there's something about him that makes me melt.

Probably because Sean Astin also played Mikey in "The Goonies". Ah, one of my first crushes.

ADORKABLE. Speaking of adorkable, a special mentioning for Nicholas Hoult because he's gorgeous and because "About A Boy" is one of my favorite movies of all time.

looky here who's all growed up:

MMMM-MMMM. And another kid I really had a thing for: River Phoenix in "Stand By Me".

I don't really dig him older than this (super creepy, I know) but on some pictures he has a bit of Kevin Bacon going on, my sisters favorite. Compare River:

Kevin:

Not bad, right? But my all time hollywood love is definitely Heath Ledger. Nobody will ever take his place in my heart AND OTHER PLACES OOPS

I JUST CAN'T... Nope. I still want to marry him. Even if it's physically impossible. That scene in "Ten Things I Hate About You" is the most romantic thing in the world. FUTURE BOYFRIEND, OVER HERE!!! If you ever want to propose to me, or tell me you love me, or make me fall in love with you, just do this. You don't have to slap a fat cop on his ass, just the singing of the song and the whole band thing. Being Heath Ledger helps too but I can excuse that. :-D

Looking at hot men is a good pick-me-up. Now I'm sleepy so I'm going to bed.  I'll keep you posted!

I don't need to fight to prove I'm right

To start off this post about how incredibly shitstained my life has been, I needed a Baba O'riley lyric. Because The Who is always there for me and they'll never break my heart. There are certain things in life that will never fail you, like your favorite song, movie or videogame. Chances are that, by the time I'm forty or so, I'll be a walking billboard for all the things I love. I don't think it'll be long before I get my first tattoo. Something special, just for me. But as I've already told you, this post is going to be about one of the hardest times in my life, not about tattoo's. But the tattoo post is probably gonna happen someday soon, anyways.

As you already know, my father passed away last april. Losing someone is never easy but losing a parent while having had an incredibly complicated, flawed relationship is very difficult. Apart from losing my dad, around the same time I also began to have the feeling that my relationship with my boyfriend of five years was beginning to fail. I even talked about it briefly in a past blogpost . While I felt like he was cheating on me because I've had fear of abandonement issues (who doesn't?) in the end of the day, it was just my brains doing the math. He had been very distant, didn't know how to handle me, seemed like he just saw me as an inconvenience and just made me feel worse all together. It wasn't like that the whole time but that was the feeling that prevailed. With a parent dying and my boyfriend of five years slipping through my fingers, I felt myself slipping away. I started to forget who I am, what I love and, most importantly, that I'm supposed to make myself happy before I (can) make others happy. With having no control over anything in my life anymore, I started thinking about harming myself. I never did it, but I came damn close. I knew my boyfriend was lying to me but I couldn't get him to open up to me so I broke down. Sometimes your capacity of "carrying" all of lifes hardships just overflows and it can be the tiniest thing to drive you over the edge. The scariest thing about it was that I didn't recognize myself anymore. If it seems like you can't even control your own emotions and thoughts anymore... if you don't have yourself, you don't have anything. And it was only after talking to my sister and mother that I got a grip on myself again, reminding myself that I deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to be treated like anything else but a wonderful human being. After deciding to "take a break" in our relationship, my boyfriend took some stuff and slept somewhere else while I tried to pull myself together again, with the help of my sister and mother.

Later I found a loveletter to another girl in my boyfriends backpack. I screamed, cried, cursed (like a good Dutchie in distress does) and cried again. It's probably a good thing my sister had her graduation on that same day so I had something to take my mind off of things. (awkward congratulations to my wonderful sis!).
I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. Now ex boyfriend. BAH, humbug. I always hoped that, if the moment of falling in love with someone else would come, we would be able to talk about it. With respect for the relationship we've had for the past years and all the hard and good times we shared. Not like this. For five years I gave him everything I had, with all my heart. I loved him, with all my heart. Being with someone else was never even on my mind, not for a second. I know it's possible to just go for someone, giving your all for your relationship, because that's what I did. And I deserve someone who does the same for me. One of the worst parts about all this, except for feeling replacable and mediocre, is that I started wondering if I did something wrong. I know perfectly well that I did nothing wrong and there's nothing to feel guilty about or anything. But still, if you get cheated on or someone close to you leaves you, you always have a little monster in the back of your head telling you that you're just not good enough. People are always insecure about a certain thing and my main insecurity is my intellect. With my dad being the first in line to give me the feeling I wasn't good enough with stupid stuff like not being able to understand a particular math problem, I kept that insecurity and it was something my boyfriend always made me feel bad about too. Not being able to name a certain astronaut would result in him giving me the dirtiest look, a big sigh and a speech about how he doesn't understand it's even possible to not know those types of things. I'm done with that shit. I did learn something though: if you don't have anything to hide you might as well show me. I now know why he would freak out if I touched his cellphone. Also, the cold hard truth: I'm right 99.9% of the time. Yes, even when it comes to cheating boyfriends. Let's say it together: BAH, humbug. Being angry at him is a challenge to me because I'm so fucking reasonable. I think "Yeah okay, he did cheat on me and was a complete dickhead for a couple of months but we had so many good times too and there's two parts of the story here and you can't help falling in love with someone else..." blablabla. It's a bit unhealthy because than you start dreaming about your ex boyfriend telling you you're a stupid asshole girlfriend who just HAD to be cheated on. Seriously, last night I dreamed that my ex boyfriend kept shitting on me like that and when I tried to punch him in the face, my fist would turn into jell-o. It's not a fun time. So I woke up feeling like shit. Too bad you can't control your dreams.

SO, that's what's been happening in my life. It's been a, to quote Samantha, shitmotherfuckerfuckshit situation. But I want to thank my wonderful family and my blogging penpal Jules aka Giulia for being there for me. It's nice to have people come through when you hid a bump in the road (or maybe a freaking mountain), even if it means that some people don't. I'll end my post with some charming pictures of myself, one resembling the "The Cat Returns" poster! Now I just need to find my own Baron Humbert Von Gikkingen.

And a happy picture to end this sad post, for no one I've ever seen was this excited to go down a slide:

See you laters, alligators.