woensdag 11 juli 2012

I don't need to fight to prove I'm right

To start off this post about how incredibly shitstained my life has been, I needed a Baba O'riley lyric. Because The Who is always there for me and they'll never break my heart. There are certain things in life that will never fail you, like your favorite song, movie or videogame. Chances are that, by the time I'm forty or so, I'll be a walking billboard for all the things I love. I don't think it'll be long before I get my first tattoo. Something special, just for me. But as I've already told you, this post is going to be about one of the hardest times in my life, not about tattoo's. But the tattoo post is probably gonna happen someday soon, anyways.

As you already know, my father passed away last april. Losing someone is never easy but losing a parent while having had an incredibly complicated, flawed relationship is very difficult. Apart from losing my dad, around the same time I also began to have the feeling that my relationship with my boyfriend of five years was beginning to fail. I even talked about it briefly in a past blogpost . While I felt like he was cheating on me because I've had fear of abandonement issues (who doesn't?) in the end of the day, it was just my brains doing the math. He had been very distant, didn't know how to handle me, seemed like he just saw me as an inconvenience and just made me feel worse all together. It wasn't like that the whole time but that was the feeling that prevailed. With a parent dying and my boyfriend of five years slipping through my fingers, I felt myself slipping away. I started to forget who I am, what I love and, most importantly, that I'm supposed to make myself happy before I (can) make others happy. With having no control over anything in my life anymore, I started thinking about harming myself. I never did it, but I came damn close. I knew my boyfriend was lying to me but I couldn't get him to open up to me so I broke down. Sometimes your capacity of "carrying" all of lifes hardships just overflows and it can be the tiniest thing to drive you over the edge. The scariest thing about it was that I didn't recognize myself anymore. If it seems like you can't even control your own emotions and thoughts anymore... if you don't have yourself, you don't have anything. And it was only after talking to my sister and mother that I got a grip on myself again, reminding myself that I deserve to be happy and I don't deserve to be treated like anything else but a wonderful human being. After deciding to "take a break" in our relationship, my boyfriend took some stuff and slept somewhere else while I tried to pull myself together again, with the help of my sister and mother.

Later I found a loveletter to another girl in my boyfriends backpack. I screamed, cried, cursed (like a good Dutchie in distress does) and cried again. It's probably a good thing my sister had her graduation on that same day so I had something to take my mind off of things. (awkward congratulations to my wonderful sis!).
I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. Now ex boyfriend. BAH, humbug. I always hoped that, if the moment of falling in love with someone else would come, we would be able to talk about it. With respect for the relationship we've had for the past years and all the hard and good times we shared. Not like this. For five years I gave him everything I had, with all my heart. I loved him, with all my heart. Being with someone else was never even on my mind, not for a second. I know it's possible to just go for someone, giving your all for your relationship, because that's what I did. And I deserve someone who does the same for me. One of the worst parts about all this, except for feeling replacable and mediocre, is that I started wondering if I did something wrong. I know perfectly well that I did nothing wrong and there's nothing to feel guilty about or anything. But still, if you get cheated on or someone close to you leaves you, you always have a little monster in the back of your head telling you that you're just not good enough. People are always insecure about a certain thing and my main insecurity is my intellect. With my dad being the first in line to give me the feeling I wasn't good enough with stupid stuff like not being able to understand a particular math problem, I kept that insecurity and it was something my boyfriend always made me feel bad about too. Not being able to name a certain astronaut would result in him giving me the dirtiest look, a big sigh and a speech about how he doesn't understand it's even possible to not know those types of things. I'm done with that shit. I did learn something though: if you don't have anything to hide you might as well show me. I now know why he would freak out if I touched his cellphone. Also, the cold hard truth: I'm right 99.9% of the time. Yes, even when it comes to cheating boyfriends. Let's say it together: BAH, humbug. Being angry at him is a challenge to me because I'm so fucking reasonable. I think "Yeah okay, he did cheat on me and was a complete dickhead for a couple of months but we had so many good times too and there's two parts of the story here and you can't help falling in love with someone else..." blablabla. It's a bit unhealthy because than you start dreaming about your ex boyfriend telling you you're a stupid asshole girlfriend who just HAD to be cheated on. Seriously, last night I dreamed that my ex boyfriend kept shitting on me like that and when I tried to punch him in the face, my fist would turn into jell-o. It's not a fun time. So I woke up feeling like shit. Too bad you can't control your dreams.

SO, that's what's been happening in my life. It's been a, to quote Samantha, shitmotherfuckerfuckshit situation. But I want to thank my wonderful family and my blogging penpal Jules aka Giulia for being there for me. It's nice to have people come through when you hid a bump in the road (or maybe a freaking mountain), even if it means that some people don't. I'll end my post with some charming pictures of myself, one resembling the "The Cat Returns" poster! Now I just need to find my own Baron Humbert Von Gikkingen.

And a happy picture to end this sad post, for no one I've ever seen was this excited to go down a slide:
See you laters, alligators.

9 opmerkingen:

  1. I'm so sorry for the crap you've been going through. I don't really know what to say; even though I really love your blog and have been sort of stalker-reading for a while, I feel like I don't know you well enough to offer anything other than that. And a big, big comment hug!
    I hope someday you find someone who makes you feel like the most amazing girl in the world.

  2. I sent you an email :o) my comment was going to be too long. But I forgot to mention how pretty your outfit is! Beautiful colours as always. Also, I am a big advocate for tattoos. just be pre-warned - they are somewhat addictive!!

  3. Sweetie you have really been handed a big ball of shit lately, I'm sorry to hear you have been suffering. I can only tell you that you should always listen to your gut when it comes to people, if you sense something is wrong it is. I'm 41 and had been in a few long term relationships before marrying. Most lasted 4 years. I used to look back and think....OMG I wasted 12 years of my life with 3 different guys and then I realized all those relationships were helping me to find the right one. Life's battle scars don't define who we are but how we came to be. I think you are beautiful inside and out and I think something better awaits you!

    keep smiling darling!

  4. I'm coming from a past relationship of almost five years. So, partly I know how it is, but the roles have been kind of reversed in my case. Not being with the person you knew for so many years, isn't easy. You always end up losing a lot, but still! There's a reason for a break up. In your case it's that boy being a jerk. You're a lot better off without him now. Five years isn't 25 years, imagine what would happen if he'd walk out on you after that.
    This all doesn't matter, cause you end up with a broken heart. Which, I hope, will heal quick. You're a wonderful and mature girl, who deserves to be happy! <3

  5. well you're adorable. and you deserve much better than the shit you've been getting. and i'm sorry about your boyfriend, but you saw the signs. and i totally can be reasonable and talk myself out of being angry too. it's terrible. things can only get better now.

  6. Feeling out of control is a tough tough place to be, and I am so glad you have the right people there to help you through. Everyone deserves to be happy and that definitely means you too! Your fierce spirit and beautiful creative energy shine through on your blog. Anyone who you give the honor of being your partner needs to see how truly special you are, and if they ever forget that, well you've shown you have the strength to do what you gotta do. Take care of you. Much hugs.

  7. Shit man! I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this. People who cheat are pretty ridiculous. I am sending you many virtual hugs!!

  8. Can I say something? You look freaking great. Beautiful as always, despite all the terrible things that happened in your life lately. (and by the way I love the The Cat Returns reference <3)
    Let me say something about this all...you didn't deserve to go through all this, you deserve to be happy and loved. Cheating is the worst thing that a human being can do to another human being. Now the only thing you can do is forget all this for a while.
    By the way thanks for mentioning me :) I'll be there for you when you need me, you know this, don't you?

  9. fucking fuck! I'm so sorry you went through such a hard fucking time in the last time. That is really really some hard stuff go go through, a boyfriend you've loved and cared for for so long who cheated on you is so fucking fucked up, i wish i could come over there and punch him for you, i'm sure my fist would be anything but jelly! anyone would feel lost in that situation and you handled it right by talking to people who are close to you and who understand you, it's always good to vent it out seriously, I'm glad you didn't do anything to hurt yourself, but i understand how someone could have those ideas float around in their head in a hard time as this. I think you are so fucking intelligent! seriously, i dont know you in person but from what I read on your blog i really sense that you are someone who is constantly learning and exploring and getting new information about things that acutally matter, and that deserves some serious respect anyone who thinks otherwise is a self absorbed egotistic asshole! You deffinitely deserve someone who is on YOUR level of fucking intelligence because anyone who looks down on an intelligent and open minded person is actually not that intelligent. You are a strong person, and I hope you can get through this tough time without dwelling too much on that jerk, I know it's hard but everyday you will think less of him until one day you find yourself in a very healthy and perfect relationship with not one more thought waisted on that one guy who didnt know how to appreciate you.

    wish you all the best girl! come visit me in vienna sometime :)