zaterdag 15 september 2012

EMO post: I loved you. Yesterday.

When you go would you have the guts to say
"I don't love you like I loved you yesterday"?

I've been feeling very good actually, the last weeks. Starting school, looking to the future, getting to know new people  (however superficial), it's all been good. I haven't even been thinking about my summer of break up drama all that much. But, as I've come to notice, not thinking about things won't make them any less of a big deal. It won't make them a smaller part of your life. When stuff happens, it happens. While you can try to deal with it the best possible way you can, there's no guarantee that the other people/person involved will be co-operative. While it's been a few weeks now, I still wanted to tell you about the last serious encounter I had with my ex. Because after it happened, I think I was so shocked and angry about everything I just kind of shut it out and stopped thinking about it altogether. It came charging at me yesterday and slapped me in the face. Hard.

I think it's been three weeks or something, since this happened. I got a call in the middle of the night from my ex, asking me to take down my blogposts where I talk about him. Because the girl he's been seeing (the girl he cheated on me with) might find out about me that way. Needless to say that this question is all sorts of crazy, right? Even more needless to say that I said "Well, boy, I think not." and hung up. I gave myself a pat on the back for not letting myself be manipulated by the motherfucker and went to sleep. After punching my bed and running around the house because of the sheer anger going through my veins. Obviously. 

The next day I wake up and go check out my blogspot, only to find out that he changed my password, deleted a blogpost and put my blog on private. The blogpost he deleted was "EMO post: F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E", the post where I tell you exactly what he did. And because he deleted it, I will remind you again of what it is he did, exactly: He cheated on me, while my dad was dying, flew to Israel to meet his internetlover and failed to mention even one of these things to me. In fact, I found out because I found a loveletter to her in my own fucking house. He didn't even plan on breaking up with me, he just thought that he would kind of have this half and half thing going on. Because I'm the nice, dependable girl who supported him through thick and thin. But not fun and new. He did all this while I was going through the most difficult time in my life and was seriously fucked up in my head. Again, needless to say I was going batshit crazy about the things he did and that he even had the guts to muck about with my personal things. I called him when I found out about the bloghacking thing and screamed at him. I don't think it was very articulate but more of a "GIVE ME MY PASSWORD MOTHERFUCKER" yellfest. He started crying about how he panicked, didn't have anywhere else to turn, just has the one person who loves him and that he didn't want to lose her. How he didn't want to make the same mistakes with her as he did with me. I'm sorry but he must have some serious braindamage going on. He cheats on me for months, never tells her about the fact that he still was in a "committed" (not so much from his side, obviously) relationship, that he had been for five years and then claims that he hasn't already made that mistake? Jebus. Jebus Rice. 

Right then and there, I lost it. I lost my sympathy for him. And I think the last active loving feelings I had for him, too. I laughed at him. And I said "I wish I was laughing because it's funny.". I told him that he needs to stop fucking over other people and that it's none of his business anymore what I do, think or write. That he has no right to demand things of me, not now, not ever. But most of all, that he should deal with the shit he did and take responsibility for it, like a grown fucking man.

Karma is real. Not in a supernatural kind of way, as far as I'm concerned, but in a simple, logical way. If you go around kicking people in the nuts, chances are there will be some nutkicking right back at you. If you treat me like shit, you will get kicked out of my life. You can cry about how tough it is and tell me how you love me and want me back (which he did too, by the way), you'll still be an asshole and I still won't like you any more. You can delete my blogposts, boy, but you can't delete what you did. 

All of this. It just makes me so sad. I'm pissed off, obviously, about everything he did. How he treated me, without any respect or love. Everytime something new pops up in my head, something he lied about, something that makes sense now, it hurts. Every fucking time. Yesterday, it suddenly hit me. While me and my family were dealing with the fact that my father would be dead within the hour, he was chatting with his girlfriend. While I was crying because I had no idea what to do with myself after my dads death, asking him to support me and maybe give me a hug, he would tell me to "suck it up" and go outside to call his girlfriend. When I told him I was so out of it I started thinking about cutting myself, he told me "Yeah, sorry, I'm busy right now, I can't not take this phonecall. Gimme 5-10 minutes.". I only just started realising all this shit. And it hurts. 

He had the guts to lie to me. To kick me when I was way, way down. And after that, he breaks into my fucking blogspot account to, somehow, erase what he did. Motherfucker, please. 

I haven't heard from him since, thank my lucky stars. He still hasn't changed his adress though. JEBUS what a douchebag. One of the things I learned this year: All the drama that happens in movies? Just drama that happens in real life. But with better lighting.

11 opmerkingen:

  1. Naomi, I'm so sorry that you've been treated such a horrible way by your ex. My God. You're right, karma does exist, and I have a feeling that guy will lose everything. You seem to be handling all that's happened well. I'm proud of you, and wish you all the best!

  2. What a dick! How did you get your password back? That is such a childish thing to do. I hope you are okay!

  3. You go girl! I too believe karma is real, and I hope one day he'll realize the error of his ways when someone treats him as poorly as he treated you. I'm sorry to hear about how down you were (thinking about cutting yourself etc), and I truly wish that you're beyond that now. Life will be better soon, and a new love will come along!

  4. When reality hits us in the face it's definitely NOT very nice. Especially if you tried to avoid not to think about something. As you know, I always do this and reality always wakes me up, hmm, let's say not very gently. But it's easier not to think about problems/painful things, and I can understand you (of course) :)
    I'm just glad that that stronzo (hehe now you know the meaning) isn't in your life anymore.

  5. Oh my... He is such an idiot, and you can find so much better than him! It made me angry just reading about him changing your password and deleting your posts!


  6. Its amazing the things that you realise after something like this happens hey... He had no right whatsoever to do that to you, and to try it on with the crying is just desperate emotional manipulation. Lucky you're way too strong and awesome to fall for it. I am so so sorry you've had to deal with such douchbaggery...

  7. Wow, that is some serious fucked up shit! He is a douche bag and is so getting pay back right now. I'm sorry he betrayed you at a time when you needed him most, that is unforgivable! You handled this all so perfectly but I can see where it still hurts and pisses you off. I think you are a better stronger wiser person for coming out on the other side and good things are in store for you!

  8. Glad you cut him out like an appendix. He's not worth a second of your life.
    And please, don't harm yourself, there isn't any relief in there.

  9. Aw, honey. What a jerk. I am SO glad you got to tell him off, because seriously: the boy (not a man, at all, ever) deserved it. And I hope his new girlfriend finds this post and realizes he's crap, because he deserves that too.

    Lots and lots of hugs! I know I'm halfway across the world and only know you because of blogging, but if you ever need to vent or talk or whatever, I'm always around if you need someone to email. :)

  10. Het spijt me dat je zo'n moeilijke periode hebt gehad, en dat je zoveel moeite en liefde hebt geinvesteerd in een douchebag die jou obviously niet waard is. Ik hoop oprecht voor je dat het moeilijkste allemaal achter de rug is en ik ben er zeker van dat er je enkel maar een mooiere toekomst te wachten staat. Je bent duidelijk een heel sterke vrouw, al mijn respect daarvoor! :) X

  11. Girls rule and boys drool!

    Ik kan me inbeelden hoe je je moet voelen want ik kom namelijk ook net bedrogen en belogen uit een relatie van een dikke 6 jaar. Ik ben momenteel aan het schrijven over het einde van onze relatie en hoe hij me wel niet gekwetst heeft en naar beneden trachtte te halen, maar ik weet nog niet of ik het online zal zetten. Ik wil niet overkomen als diegenen die verbitterd is (zoals hij het zou interpreteren), maar gewoon mijn verhaal delen en kijken of er anderen zijn die hetzelfde hebben meegemaakt.

    We zullen ermee moeten leren leven dat niet elke man zo slim is om ons te behandelen op de manier die we waard zijn, maar ik heb nog goede hoop, ergens loopt er nog wel eentje rond voor mij die zich niet met zo'n lage, zielige dingen bezig houdt.