I've been neglecting my writing and blogging lately and I want to STOP DOING IT, DAMN IT. Because I've met so many wonderful people through blogging and I really enjoy writing. But sometimes with school, family and other things my mind wanders off and I forget about writing and blogging. This will end now! I have some stuff to talk about. Since I haven't done a personal EMO post in a while I thought it was a good time to get the emo show on the road again.
As some of my readers will know, I've had a pretty... eventful summer, to put it nicely. A parent died, a longterm relationship ended nastily and dramatically, it was pretty epic in a terrible soap opera kind of way. After dealing with that crap head on for a couple of months (Thank Jebus for summer vacations) life really got started again and I realised the world hasn't really stopped turning. In fact, the world didn't even change a bit. The bus I took before all that stuff happened is still the same bus. The library I went to before is still the same library. School hasn't changed, cities haven't changed, family and friends haven't changed. But I have. That's the scariest part of it all. You can only break up with a person once (okay technically you can do it many times but I don't roll that way) and you can only lose a person to illness once. You know that life goes on and that everything, how heartbreaking and terrible it might be at first, passes. But the thing you can never really prepare yourself for is how life changes you.
Even though you try so hard to hold on to yourself and the person you believe you are, slowly but surely life creeps up on you and starts tweaking the little nuts and bolts in your head. Before you know it you forget what it actually was you used to believe in and what your particular thoughts on certain issues were. I could never imagine how some (granted, life changing) events can change you to your core. Not only your opinions and ideals but.. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Some fundamental feeling you always carry with you about yourself. That, if there's anything you can be sure about, it's who you are. Realising that the person you are is eternally changing and that you're not the same person now as you were a month ago is a very strange thing. Now I understand all those "before you can be wise and old you first have to be young and stupid" things. While it's hella creepy to realise that I'm changing as a person it's also kind of awesome, now that I think about it. It means that, whatever is happening, I'm not standing still. It means that I'm learning and every step of the way I'm coming a little closer to becoming the person I'm "meant" to be. To quote Carl Sagan: "I don't know where I'm going... but I'm on my way."
Not only have I changed in mind/spirit, I've changed quite a bit on the outside too. I'm not sure when and how it happened but I lost some weight. I'm not even sure how to feel about it. When I look in the mirror I see the same girl as always. If the clothes I had didn't suddenly turn out to be two sizes too big I probably wouldn't have noticed a thing. People tell me how different I look and how "GREAT" this is. I'm still not sure how to feel about that, either. Is simply losing weight a good thing? Because I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't have a motivation. Probably just a hell of a lot of stress, a bit more excercise (when I'm pissed off I go for walks/runs with my dog until my legs go numb, basically) and that's it. I always feel strange when people go into hyper happy mode simply because I lost some weight. Honestly, it makes me feel more insecure rather than anything else. To notice how much people care about something as silly as your weight and how different they treat you because of that, bah, humbug. I knew that people were silly but this is just a little depressing. HULLO THERE, fat-shaming! I know they mean well and that being skinnier is a generally good thing in our society but mostly, it just kind of baffles and irritates me. On the other hand, having smaller boobs is a lot more practical when buying bras. Which is also kind of annoying to think about because you'd think that people with bigger boobs would be more in need of BRAS. Going from an E to D cup and still only being able to find 2 bras in your cupsize in a big ass lingerie store with affordable stuff... say it with me: BAH, humbug.
Conlusion: I'm getting used to the new me. Change is fucking terrifying. But I think I kind of like it, too. Next post will be an outfit again and, if you're lucky, pink hair again! PARTY TIME, EXCELLENT!