dinsdag 27 november 2012

EMO post: The kids are alright

I've been neglecting my writing and blogging lately and I want to STOP DOING IT, DAMN IT. Because I've met so many wonderful people through blogging and I really enjoy writing. But sometimes with school, family and other things my mind wanders off and I forget about writing and blogging. This will end now! I have some stuff to talk about. Since I haven't done a personal EMO post in a while I thought it was a good time to get the emo show on the road again.

As some of my readers will know, I've had a pretty... eventful summer, to put it nicely. A parent died, a longterm relationship ended nastily and dramatically, it was pretty epic in a terrible soap opera kind of way. After dealing with that crap head on for a couple of months (Thank Jebus for summer vacations) life really got started again and I realised the world hasn't really stopped turning. In fact, the world didn't even change a bit. The bus I took before all that stuff happened is still the same bus. The library I went to before is still the same library. School hasn't changed, cities haven't changed, family and friends haven't changed. But I have. That's the scariest part of it all. You can only break up with a person once (okay technically you can do it many times but I don't roll that way) and you can only lose a person to illness once. You know that life goes on and that everything, how heartbreaking and terrible it might be at first, passes. But the thing you can never really prepare yourself for is how life changes you.

Even though you try so hard to hold on to yourself and the person you believe you are, slowly but surely life creeps up on you and starts tweaking the little nuts and bolts in your head. Before you know it you forget what it actually was you used to believe in and what your particular thoughts on certain issues were. I could never imagine how some (granted, life changing) events can change you to your core. Not only your opinions and ideals but.. I'm not quite sure how to describe it. Some fundamental feeling you always carry with you about yourself. That, if there's anything you can be sure about, it's who you are. Realising that the person you are is eternally changing and that you're not the same person now as you were a month ago is a very strange thing. Now I understand all those "before you can be wise and old you first have to be young and stupid" things. While it's hella creepy to realise that I'm changing as a person it's also kind of awesome, now that I think about it. It means that, whatever is happening, I'm not standing still. It means that I'm learning and every step of the way I'm coming a little closer to becoming the person I'm "meant" to be. To quote Carl Sagan: "I don't know where I'm going... but I'm on my way."

Not only have I changed in mind/spirit, I've changed quite a bit on the outside too. I'm not sure when and how it happened but I lost some weight. I'm not even sure how to feel about it. When I look in the mirror I see the same girl as always. If the clothes I had didn't suddenly turn out to be two sizes too big I probably wouldn't have noticed a thing. People tell me how different I look and how "GREAT" this is. I'm still not sure how to feel about that, either. Is simply losing weight a good thing? Because I didn't do it on purpose. I didn't have a motivation. Probably just a hell of a lot of stress, a bit more excercise (when I'm pissed off I go for walks/runs with my dog until my legs go numb, basically) and that's it. I always feel strange when people go into hyper happy mode simply because I lost some weight. Honestly, it makes me feel more insecure rather than anything else. To notice how much people care about something as silly as your weight and how different they treat you because of that, bah, humbug. I knew that people were silly but this is just a little depressing. HULLO THERE, fat-shaming! I know they mean well and that being skinnier is a generally good thing in our society but mostly, it just kind of baffles and irritates me. On the other hand, having smaller boobs is a lot more practical when buying bras. Which is also kind of annoying to think about because you'd think that people with bigger boobs would be more in need of BRAS. Going from an E to D cup and still only being able to find 2 bras in your cupsize in a big ass lingerie store with affordable stuff... say it with me: BAH, humbug.

Conlusion: I'm getting used to the new me. Change is fucking terrifying. But I think I kind of like it, too. Next post will be an outfit again and, if you're lucky, pink hair again! PARTY TIME, EXCELLENT!

8 opmerkingen:

  1. I totally feel you! I've going through some stuff myself and I feel more and more that I've changed. I see things differently, enjoy what I have and try out new things. I never thought I would like change. Change always comes with something bad, right!? Well, until now I haven't experienced anything bad in this change and even if... I guess, that's just life, isn't it?

    Love your view on weight, too! People tell me I look so awesome with 5kgs less. What they son't see is that I lost those kgs because I feel like shit.

    Keep your head highand let all new things in your life! Like pink hair :)

  2. BRA humbug! :D en ja, je bent veel veranderd. Het is ook je leeftijd hoor, op jouw leeftijd begin je echt een volwassene te worden. Wacht tot je verder studeert, DAN verander je pas!

    en over je gewicht: ik vind het niet "super" ofzo, ik ben alleen blij voor je als jij er blij mee bent. Daar ben ik hopelijk wel duidelijk over geweest.

  3. I love change - I think that as long as I'm growing or learning something about myself, I'm on the right track in life. Also stress really does have such an impact on your body, I had been trying to be a bit more active so I could fit my old dresses again, and then I got my heartbroken and rather rapidly dropped a dress size. Kind of scary.

  4. Changing isn't always bad, but it's fucking terrifying, it's true. I guess we have to deal with it, also because sometimes when we change we see that we made such a fuss about nothing, and that changing brought for us some good stuff in our lives. I obviously can relate to you, I'm definitely scared by getting my degree, what will my life be after that?! But it's something I can't avoid.
    As for the weight loss, of course I can understand. People always tells me that I look gorgeous when I lose some kilos, and I sometimes feel flattered by this, which makes me even more annoyed by this whole thing. Why should I be flattered by this?! Stupid brain-washing society.

  5. change is a bit scary for me, but when it comes it's always better than I expect - gosh, your posts always make me think about my own life personally. And this definitely is how my diary would look if I ever wrote in it..but moving on! People are so weird about other peoples weight/sizes, I honestly don't get it. I think you ALWAYS look great, you can't let it bother you too much or else you'll drive yourself insane.

  6. ah yes, the inevitable life changing moment of clarity....those are super tough to deal with. But I'm glad you are smart enough to embrace it (after of course freaking the fuck out, but lets face it, we all freak the fuck out, show me one person who says they dont freak out upon the life changing realizationg) This is probably a good thing, if carl sagan is ok with it, then you know it's a good thing. The important thing is to stay positive with a clear head, and that is really hard sometimes but eventually you will put all of your puzzle pieces together and be on a good path :)
    Also, yeah, how hard is it to find D's and E's in stores? impossible? yes! I'm starting see it as a treasure hunt....cuz it sure feels like i struck gold when I find some hidden in a small corner in a huge room with long lines of lingerie...


    like you said, life goes on...we just become smarter, which is a good thing :) so just go on wid yo bad self!


  7. Bring on the pink baby! I love when you get all deep on us:). Best part about life in my 41 year old opinion is to constantly evolve. Life should change you. I think sometimes people are afraid to change their opinions when they have felt the same way for so long, it takes a braver person to voice that they have changed. As far as the losing weight goes, you know are you beautiful regardless of the number on the scale. Maybe start telling the people who act all happy that you lost weight that you throw up after every meal, then see what they say:)

  8. Yes, when you grow up, you change, that's just the way it is. Imagine you being the same 18 year old girl while being 30, this is weird. Change isn't always a bad thing.
    As on the weight, I too, lost some weight over the years, not really doing anything about it, as I'm lazy, but stress does 'help'. After my 20th I did lost baby fat, for real :D It really just depends on what you want with your body. As you haven't done anything special to lose weight, than it's just your body doing what it needs to. Society just should stop being so judgemental, before I shoot it in the face.